(short) The Martian Ambassador
Film type: Comedy. Plot: Casually dressed and wishing to establish diplomatic relations, the Martian ambassador is not allowed to enter the British embassy in Dublin.
(short) The Inefficient Exercise Programme
Film type: Training and comedy. Plot: The idea is that young people do tasks inefficiently which gives them more excercise, so to lose weight, we should put ourselves in
an unplanned state of mind where we do physical things inefficiently, which is more interesting than repetitive exercise routines.
(Youtube) Here is a more serious and complementary approach.
(short) The Slab of Cheese
Film type: Comedy. Plot: A man and his pregnant wife are going through a supermarket, but cannot pay for anything to eat. The man asks his wife to leave. He must do something,
and he will provide for her. He goes to the supermarket cheese counter and purchases a very large cylindrical slab of cheese. He goes away and puts it down his track suit. He
then walks to the supermarket exit with his trolley, where he has nothing to pay. He is stopped by the supermarket security man, who asks what the large bulge is. After some
conversation, he says 'It is not a slab of cheese'. The supermarket security man confronts him with the fact that he has nowhere indicated that it is a slab of cheese, and therefore
on what grounds should he assume that the person he is challenging should have come up with the idea, other than that he had a slab of cheese in his track suit? The man assures
him that he had been thinking of a work of Socrates on slabs of cheese. The supermarket security man counters that Socrates never wrote such a work. The man reassures him
that he did, and has a copy of it, which he presents to him. In shock, the supermarket security man sits down, to read the book: Socrates: Contemplations on a Slab of Cheese.
He realises it is a fake, and it is Machievelli's The Prince with a false cover. He has been duped. Looking up, he realises the the man who had stolen the cheese is no longer there.
Shouting for him to come back, he chases after him and disappears.
The Discovery of Happiness, I, II and III
Film type: Contains indications of straight and gay porn except where this occurs explicitly, parody of porn and political satire. A comedy experiment taking porn seriously,
as it should be. I think it would work, but the political structure isn't there to finance it. Needs extensive further research into porn. This could be an interesting task to delegate
to someone else! Fails to meet righteous expectations about exposure on public thoroughfares, anal intercourse and group sex. Porn is a pleasurable experience. It satisfies the
need of releasing us from the thought control of the society which surrounds us, and indulging in the voyeurism of sexual experience which goes beyond the boundries of
our inhibitions. Like reading a newspaper, it is representation and not fact. Whilst maintaining its integrity as porn, a slightly new idea might be that it is combined with the
expression of social and political comment, and comedy. This interests me. The film is superficial and non-analytical. A good suggestion for anyone trying to write comedy is
to study Aristophanes. All subsequent comedy is toned down and less funny because of that. Heavy grunting does not do all it should for me. I think it can partly be edited out.
A fucking sound could be the sound of a squishy piston combined with a bit of the play doh material that produces a farting sound. This is unnatural, but if not too loud probably
Plot: Theresa May's government's plans to nationalise reproduction fail disastrously. In filming scenes, Virgin Porn director Thordur Gabon-Kent (a look-alike of Clark Gable)
explains his intentions. Are his attempts to flirt with biology student Lois doomed to failure, or will he find the right man?
Locations: Brighton, Glasgow, train from Glasgow to Manchester, train from Manchester to Pontypridd, London, Athens and Edinburgh.
The Soviet Tower of Strength Competition
Film type: bodybuliding instruction manual and political satire. We must be led to believe this is not a rejection of Russia as it is today, but in an attenuated form an inspection
of it, even within ourselves. Once again, there is a problem with finance, particularly since the gay population involved by implict innuendo in the film is about 12%. This might
be enhanced by it being an instruction manual. Since it is serious political comment (which often makes bad comedy) it might have a market for that reason alone. New ventures
take a long while to accept, so this film is in difficulties this way too. I would accept any offer of an American company to film this, provided its board of directors were not in control
of its message or contents. It is a reflection on revolution, propaganda and the social systems that go with it. The film includes discussions of Russian history, its political system and
Russian Orthodox doctrine. Russians may object that I was external to the Soviet system, and I am ignorant of Russian history, culture, society and its political system so that Russians
would regard that I have no right to comment. Russian society is of interest to us all. I am expressing my opinion in that context. A deformity is its centralisation. Specifically libertarian
in the October Revolution, I estimate the trend today is in the reverse. Wishing to release the human spirit in ways that authoritarians find objectionable, I state my case. I do not wish
expressions of gay innuendo to be interpreted as an allegory of hate. Ignorant as I am of Russian literature, this love might be underlined by quotes which relate to classic Russian
encounters. I wish to introduce the subversive idea that we may love Vadim Putin in ways as an authoritarian he would not wish me to express.
Plot: In a competion like the Eurovision Song Contest, Vadim Putin is in a bodybuilding competition sensibly weighted by criteria for the leaders of the Soviet Union from Lenin
to Yeltsin. In a peliminary interview on a relaxed arm chair, Putin is asked whether he feels nervous. He is asked what he thinks of Joseph Stalin, who is a bit of a Charles Atlas.
The sequence is decided by selecting balls like the National Lottery. A breezy female presenter introduces each bodybulding session, where the competitors describe what they want
Putin to do. Afterwards she interviews patriarchs of the Russian Orthodox Church about what they think of the performances. Occasionally there are action replays. Finally the
presenter invites the viewers to vote. Joseph Stalin wins, and Putin does a final repeat with the winner. The film closes with a large crowd in a vast auditorium cheering.
(with An Weepad) One No Trump
Film type: Political comedy. Plot: The Vietnamese government refuses to say one way or the other whether a bomb is planted under President Trump's golf course in Scotland. Donald
Trump decides to bomb his golf course in retaliation. The operation is a success and the golf course is completely destroyed.
[Someone has been able to enter CIA Headquarters and steal all the toilet paper without being detected.
You mean, my God.
We're in deep shit.]
[Why is the General (who is wearing salmon pink military uniform with medals) using custard and not soy sauce?
We have been advised to do so from Artemis Varidot, director of the Global Five Year Plan, from her Scenario Planning Advisory Service.] [The actor is always wearing a light grey suit, bib, white bow tie and monacle
The name is Bond, doctor Basil Bond.] [It seems to be perfectly normal, apart from one aspect.
What is it?
The strange thing is that spectrographic analysis shows it is perfectly normal custard except that it contains 12000 parts per million deuterium - heavy water.
What's the significance of that?
I do not know, but it is no accident. That amount of deuterium does not occur naturally on Earth. The custard has been modified explicitly by someone to contain eight times the normal
amount of deuterium. This is very strange.]
[What report have you got to make to the President?
Well, we have found something that is quite frightening. The test tube buried under hole 13 contains custard with eight times too much deuterium. We have asked our experts on this.
This amount of deuterium only occurs on Mars.
You mean, my God.
This is not Earth custard, this is Martian custard.]
[Doctor Basil Bond is standing in front of the audience eating a raw carrot.
One of the audience says
What's up, doc?] [Doctor Basil Bond and a member of the panel are at a table. A waiter in a salmon pink suit pours water for them. The other person says
I am still worried that septuple vetting is going to take an awful long time.
Doctor Basil Bond replies
We simply start at the top level, which is the most important, and work down.
Sipping his water
The system extremely, even excessively, secure and is absolutely watertight.] [Doctor Basil Bond, Donald Trump and his wife are at the dinner table. A waiter in a salmon pink suit offers a menu.
Doctor Basil Bond says
I'll have the Windsor soup, please.] [Bond is describing at length the Acol system of bidding in bridge he is using.
And what system do you use, Mr President?
A phoney club.
Doctor Basil Bond's eyes open wide and his monacle falls into the Windsor soup.
The waiter comes back and picks the monacle out of the soup by its attaching thread.] [You mean, my God.
There are even subversives in the CIA.]
[You mean. The conclusion is inescapable, Mr President. Donald Trump is directed by some alien Superintelligence.
Putin raises his eyebrows and leans back on his armchair away from the chess board on the table.] [Return to scene with Trump on the bridge table. He puts down the winning cards and says
Well, that's it then.] [Credits, first with the title One No Trump.]
Film type: Halloween outrageous comedy. There is no sex. Plot: Three ghouls, Michael Hearst, Vladivarb and Brodvig interested in football, decide that they can have sex with the
long dead Mary Whitehouse. Brodvig says he knows of no link of Mary Whitehouse with football, and Margaret Thatcher was younger and therefore less decayed. He knows from the
Daily Mirror newspaper that Margaret Thatcher's husband was interested in cricket, which is a bit nearer. He suggests that after digging up Mary Whitehouse, they go to Westminster
Abbey, bomb a hole in the crypt, and obtain two dead bodies for their enjoyment in the night instead of one. They take a bag of dynamite in a bag, someone takes a detonator with a
pluger handle at the top and the third takes a sleeping bag to drag along the body. Taking the bus to Westminster Abbey thay discuss the whereabouts of the remains of Mary Whitehouse,
which they can google on the internet when they get back to 123 Rosemund Terrace. At Westminster Abbey, they knock on the door. A caretaker answers as the door creaks open, and
they ask to be conducted to the crypt to inspect the body of Margaret Thatcher.
Having blown up the section with dynamite, the green coloured head of Margaret Thatcher becomes dismembered from the body, and has to be carried separately. They ask a policeman
the directions back to 123 Rosemund Terrace. The policeman points out that an ear has dropped off and Brodvig puts it in his bag of mints. Having been directed to the bus stop they take
the bus back. A helpful passenger assists with the body in the sleeping bag. Brodvig askes whether there is any cost for a dismembered head, and has to pay half fare. An offer of a mint
to a passenger in the bus is politely refused.
They invite Morgentil, a next door neighbour in a black dress, into the flat whilst Vladivarb stitches back Margaret Thatcher's head to her body. Michael Hearst goes into the kitchen to make
Morgentil a cup of tea. Hearst, scraping off dust from the table: 'Brodvig, why have you left this enormous pile of dust on the kitchen table?' Brodvig (offstage): 'It is radioactive'. Hearst
goes to the sink and opens the kettle lid: 'and why is there a dead bat in the kettle'? Brodvig: 'There was nowhere else to put it'. Hearst lets out a sigh, fills up the kettle, and switches
it on. Meanwhile, in the other room, Brodvig is reading about the Hillsbrough Football Stadium fire disaster in the newspaper Football Mortician Results. Hearst comes in and says
to Morgentil: 'tea. Would you like some pus?'. Morgentil: 'Just a squirt'. Hearst takes a dismembered hand and squirts the pus from a finger into the tea. Brodvig: 'Would you like a mint
to go with it?' Morgentil takes out the green ear and looks at it. Hearst: 'Now let's see what Vladivarb is up to'. He goes to Vladivardb stiching at a coffin and lets out a muted scream.
Vladivarb has made a bad job of it, sticking her head the wrong way round and incomprehensibly her handbag to her bottom. Hearst is much annoyed at this incompetence, and asks:
'What is the country comng to? We cannot even stick Margaret Thatcher's head to her body the right way round! What on Earth is the reason for sticking Margaret Thatcher's handbag to
her bottom? It is utterly, fabulously, incomprehensible beyond belief! It will take hours to undo and is a compete and utter mess! It will take hours and hours and hours to put right! What is
the mentality, what could be the conception, of someone who stiches Margaret Thatcher's head the wrong way round and her handbag to her bottom? Vladivarb, you are entirely to deal with
dynamite from now on. This elaborate stiching is clearly beyond you, and I am now thinking beyond me too!'
Brodvig is looking at the Football Mortician results, and notes that football manager Brian Clough is buried in Leeds. Hearst: 'Brodvig: what did you say?' 'I said Brian Clough was
buried in Leeds'. 'Brodvig! You are a genius! Gentlemen, get your spades! We have along night-ride to Leeds to fulfil'. (To Morgentil): 'Keep the body warm until we get back'.
When they have left, Morgentil sips the tea and takes a bite out of the ear, which makes a scrunching sound as she eats it. Outside in the midnight air at full moon, spades are thrown
in the hearse. Brodvig exclaims: 'There is no room in the front of the hearse!' Hearst replies: 'Lie in the coffin, it is safe!' Opening back the lid later with a creak Brodvig moans:
'I am afraid. It is dark inside'. Hearst: 'Close the lid' . The lid goes down and Hearst revs the car engine. Opening the lid again Brodvig says: 'I can't see my mints'. Hearst (exasperated):
'Close the lid'. To owl hoots and screeching tyres the hearse accelerates outside 123 Rosemund Terrace, then to accompanying music of Monster Mash with subtitles the hearse
careers through winding country roads with headlights blazing.
The God of Football and its Cup of Love
I was never a fan of football until I saw Pele play in my youth. I became instantly and subversively a fan of Brazil.
Film type: Serious, then satire and fun.
The Return of the Living and The Absolution of The Dead